Long, tiring day

Well, how do I explain the emotions of today.  Yesterday I received a phone call - sometimes I feel like maybe I should stop answering the phone - anyway, Gilbert's social worker called to tell me that his birth mom had a court hearing on a past DWI charge and had received prison time.  She will go to prison on Monday and be there for 4 months.  Because she is still legally the parent she was to be given a visit with Gilbert today.  On top of that if she is placed in prison here in AZ she is entitled to visits with him until her parental rights are severed - which could still be a few months.  My heart dropped and I became sick to my stomach to even think about having to deal with this.  This morning I woke up so stressed, and not at all ready for this.  I was so worried about how he would react, what if he didn't really want to come back to me after he saw her? What if he had a hard time adjusting to us again after the visit?  Why do I always feel like I have to continually prove that I am an ok parent - especially since raising teenagers makes me continually feel like I'm not a good enough parent. How do I explain to the kids that Gilbert is going to visit with his birth mom.  I packed up Gilbert's diaper bag, put him in a warm coat and hat since it was snowing outside and made our way to the designated meeting spot - the CPS office. This was one of the most nerve wracking things I have done.  I got there and he did not want to go with the social worker so I had to take him back to his mom.  As I walked in the room she put her arms out for him and he didn't want to go to her.  I felt comforted, and yet I felt so bad for her.  It was so hard to leave him there - I felt like my heart was ripped out again. After the two hour visit was over I went back, again nervous about what his response would be, his birth mom did not want to let him go, but when she had to he came right to me.  Her eyes filled with tears and she broke down.  I was so torn in my feelings.  I felt comforted that Gilbert has bonded to me, and yet I felt so sad for her.  I know that she had no life growing up and therefore doesn't know what she needs to know to be a mother.  She is so lost herself in her life, that even though she loves him very much she doesn't know how to put him before the other things in her life.  I am still so nervous about everything and will be so glad when it's all over.  I hate the waiting and wondering about what some judge somewhere will decide.  But I am grateful for every exhausting day we have Gilbert here in our home and in our lives.  He has helped me to stop and see what is important in life.