Warning - Not a positive post

I need to vent.  I feel like curling up in a ball or running away, but I can't do either.  I have lots that needs to be done today, but don't feel like doing anything.  I have exactly two hours to calm myself down and get into control before all the kids come home and I have to deal with them.  I don't have anyone to talk to, and feel like I have been building up this volcano inside that is going to erupt soon, especially if I have to deal with any more garbage.   I feel like I am dealing with one of the hardest things in my life, something that should be easy, something that should make me happy, but yet something that I just don't always have the strength to endure.  I love Gilbert and am so glad that he is in our home.  I get worn out chasing him and cleaning up his messes and stopping the kids from fighting over him, but I wouldn't change it and not have him here.  I just can't handle all of the political loop holes, all of the meetings and hearings and changing of hearings and constant feeling like there are people out there just waiting to take him away.  I feel sick to my stomach and every time I begin to feel like all is going to be alright they throw another hard ball and it hits me in the face.  I feel like no one understands, and find myself questioning whether I will be able to handle whatever happens.  I don't think I will, I know I won't have the strength to help my kids through anything if things don't work out.  There was supposed to be a review hearing next week to start the whole process of severence and adoption, but it has been postponed a month.  I also found out that both attorneys - the birth mom's and Gilbert's are against this placement.  I have a phone meeting tomorrow and I don't want to do it.  I worry that I will say the wrong thing, give the wrong impression, or that Gilbert will throw a fit during it and I will have to try and deal with him while I'm on the phone with who knows how many people.  I am tired of it all, tired of being judged, tired of people thinking I'm so wonderful for adopting kids, tired of dealing with all of my kids and their problems, tired of feeling like I am so alone in all of this.  I know that other people have problems, too, and that in the long run my problems are nothing, but I'm just tired of dealing with them.  I would just like a week without having to deal with things - even one day would be nice.  I get tired of feeling like I"m always on the edge of my seat wondering what is next, what is going to happen, and which one of my kids is going to have a problem today.  Of course the problems in our home and never small - they always are big ones - major honesty issues, eating issues, self esteem issues, problems at school, major sibling rivalry - just to name a few.  I feel like I am under an avalanche trying to dig my way out, and yet I have to pretend that everything is ok - put on a smile and help everyone else think that life is fine, while I"m just trying to survive, and hoping that I come out of it all someday.