Emotions

So, last night I sat here and stared at this screen trying to figure out how to put into words the feelings I was having.  The past couple of weeks my emotions have been up and down; I have felt like crying and yet unable to; I have felt so very stressed, and yet felt like I had to be strong; I have felt ready to give up, and ready to fight; I have felt scared, frustrated, overwhelmed; and yet relieved and thankful.  I don't know how you can express the feelings that come when you are told that someone that you love has cancer.  That big "c" word that no one likes to talk about, the one that scares you.  It is scary, in a way that I have never felt before to even think about someone having cancer, and yet I needed to think about it, to think it through, what may happen, what I would need to do to help out, and even how do I help my family through this.  I am so very grateful that there has been positive, hopeful news; my testimony of the power of prayer has increased as I know that there have been many blessings in that past few weeks.  As I have thought about it I have even realized that there have been blessings all along; things that have been prepared and put into place so that Mom can receive that best care possible.  There is still fear and uncertainty, there is still stress and overwhelmed feelings; and yet there is peace that our Heavenly Father is mindful of her and of all of us.  Things will work out and though the road may be long we can pull through it all together.

It seems like the past 3 months with our new little addition have also been so full of conflicting emotions.  I am so grateful to have him here.  He is a light to our family, he has brought out so many good things in my kids, and he just makes us all smile.  But as we continue to fight to have him in our family things get so hard.  You would think that dealing with the emotions of Mom's cancer would be enough right now, but no, we had to have things turn even more in the wrong direction.  I have realized how very much attorneys are just out to get what they want, how they will turn anything you say into a positive or negative thing depending on what they need it to be.  I have realized that there is really no one completely on our side, and that we are pretty much on our own with this.  The only thing that holds me together is the fact that we know that he belongs in our family, and that our Heavenly Father can make that happen.  That he is on our side, and that is all that matters.  As I sat in court yesterday and listened to two different attorneys say that he should not be in our home, that he should be returned to the other foster home, I have never felt so alone, so ganged up on, so completely unsupported.  I was ready to testify, to at least have the opportunity to clear up some of the misconceptions; things they have not even talked to us about, yet they are claiming they know, but after 3 hours the court ran out of time and has been reset for April 29.  I did not have that opportunity, but should next time.  Hopefully I will feel as ready then.   Sitting in those courtrooms makes me feel sick; knowing that just because of some things that the attorneys say our little one can be taken away and returned to the foster home, or to his birth mom.  Knowing that they are trying to find anything they can, any reason to have him pulled from us makes me paranoid.  It's easy to wonder what the judge is thinking - how does she feel - what does she think of all of the things they are saying.  It is her decision in the long run, what will that decision be?  Can I make it through another month without going crazy, especially as I have more visits and more meetings, and now we have court ordered phone visits and then personal visits from the foster family.  Just when will it all finally be over?? I'm not sure I can make it that much longer.