Thoughts from a overdone brain

Here I sit at the computer listening to the sounds of people outside playing with my little boy.  Normally the sounds of your child laughing and playing would warm your heart, but not today.  They cause a lot of confusion, and a dull ache.  We have court ordered visits yesterday, today and tomorrow - basically the attorneys are already working towards transition even though the judge has not made her decision.  The feelings I have are beyond description, how do you describe the feeling of knowing you could possibly lose a child, the look of confusion and pain that I see on the faces of my other children, and even the confusion and overwhelmedness (if there were such a word) of our little one as he loves them and plays with them and then they leave and he loves us, but is so overwhelmed by it all. This has to be the longest week of my life, as the court has drug on and on it was easy before to just pretend that things were fine in between hearings, but as we have visits every day, which are accompanied by a supposed "expert" that is here to watch everything that happens, I can't forget, I can't pretend that everything is ok, that this isn't happening, and it's hard to hold on to the faith and hope that everything will turn out for the best.  But I do, I put on my happy face, try and find some sort of peace with it all before my kids come home so that they will not feel my stress as well as their own, and let a lot of things slide that I normally don't let slide.  I take a deep breath at the end of the day, and hit my knees praying for strength for another day, praying for the judge to be open minded, and pray with gratitude that we have had another day with him here, and for the children I already have - my family, which are more important to me than anything else in the world.