24 hours

I haven't blogged much lately, mostly because my emotions have been too close to the surface and I guess I just avoid even talking about everything because I don't want to get mad, or to start stressing myself out too much about what could happen in court tomorrow.  I have been able to feel at peace with all of it, and I have received many confirmations from my Heavenly Father that it is going to work out, but it is so easy to get worked up about it.  To start thinking about all of the questions they could ask me tomorrow when I am on the stand, and to start to question whether it will all work out or not.  I just want it all to be over, to be able to move on with life, to be able to not worry every day about what is going to happen, to not have to wake up in the morning with everything going through my head.  At times I get tired of being positive, I get tired of putting on a happy face and just want to hide and cry.  At times I get tired of hiding my fears and just want them to go away.  And I definately get tired of all of the visits from everyone, and my constant worry that they are going to find something negative they can bring up in court.  I feel like we have been attacked enough, I mean really they have attacked the fact that we have 6 children - stating that children raised in homes of more than 3 children aren't emotionally stable.  They have attacked the fact that some of my kids had issues when we adopted them - who wouldn't have issues after going through what they went through in the first part of their lives, and they have all grown so much and are doing so well with things now.  They have discredited the fact that my kids are Gilbert's siblings, stating that they are only half-siblings so it doesn't matter.  They have taken no consideration for my children, just looking at what they think is best for the baby, not what will affect my other kids.  They have even attacked the fact that he doesn't talk yet - stating that is because he is not bonded to us, and has lost the people he really cares about.  I have decided that the reason people in positions of power that do studies and make decisions about how "all" children are affected because of this or that,  only have one or two children if they have any at all is because there is no way that they could handle the stress of worrying that everything they do will have everlasting effect on their children and that their children will be ruined or have life-long consequences from things that happen in their lives.  They can't have large families, because they can't look at the fact that children are resilient, and can change and can grow and overcome things in their lives  They have to control every aspect of a child's life - if the child can't speak at 18 months than there is something wrong with them emotionally.  What about all the kids in regular homes that don't speak right away, what about the kids who lose a parent from divorce or death, does that mean that for the rest of their life they will not be able to attach or bond to someone else.  It's all dumb and if the "experts" were not on this case it would have already been over.  I think that I should qualify as an expert - I have raised and am raising 6 kids, I have helped them work through many issues in their lives, have built their self-esteem when they had none, have worked through school issues, social issues, and even self care issues, I have helped them to learn to trust and to love.  These attorney and "experts", just read books and push papers.  They may interview people and watch kids, but they have never gotten down and dirty in the middle of raising kids with special issues.  I think what I know and say should have just as much weight as what they had to say.  We'll just have to see if the judge feels the same way.